But I Won't Do That.

I believe I've mentioned before that when your Goddess feels particularly snarky, she - um - critiques TV commercials. Loudly. At the screen.


My current object of wrath is NutraSystem commercials. Now, for the record, your Goddess is a Goddess of abundance. Nothing wraith-like about me, nope nope nope. I have lost, in the months since August, about 16% of my body weight, but trust me when I tell you there is still ample to be shaved off. Okay, chopped off with a hatchet might be a more accurate metaphor, but you get my drift.

So, weight-loss plans naturally have interest for me, although yes, I do know most are a crock, but I am sick unto death with NutraSystem. Apparently the demographic for CNN's morning news is fat....especially old, fat, former jocks and/or bimbettes. (One assumes that being one does not preclude being the other.) Now, my apologies to Marie Osmond, whom I really kinda admire, and whose ad is definitely more tasteful than others.

But when I first started noticing these, it was a Dan Marino showing himself back at his playing weight. All well and good. Then some of his friends joined in, including one who tells us with a big foolish grin on his face that his wife says he's not "as disgusting anymore." Really? Don't you mean your EXwife???? Are we supposed to think that's funny?

Then Don Shula and his wife do their bit for the Silver program. Coach is okay, but wife Marianne cannot deliver a line to save her life. Her arch delivery of "Not anymore, honey!" makes my teeth cringe.

Add now Tony Orlando, who's had two hits in his life - what the heck is an "Old Woak Tree" anyway? - also for the Silver program. Annoying, but not dreadful. But who is the skank that is in several of these now? They refer to her as a "Hollywood Personality" but all I can think is she must have left it there!

First she starts out with her before picture, which was a bit plump. She kicks it away, saying "You'll never see me like that again!" only we do, you dummy, every time the commercial plays! Besides, that picture was by no means as repelling as the scrawny self she displays in the bikini photo that follows. As an aside, why is it that every time I see one of those shots, the women are wearing tortuous high heels that they are walking out of...can they not get any to fit??

Then the follow up commercial with her that really sent me over the edge. Ms. Skank (must be respecful, here) wearing clothes twenty years too young for her, claims that she's a sports nut, and now that she's lost weight, she can catch a football again, which is tossed to her with all the deadly force of a Nerf ball. Then she smirks at the camera and actually has the nerve to say, "How many girls can do that!" AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

First, she's decidedly NOT a girl. Second, any girl with two arms can do that, you stupid sexist pig! What is WRONG with women that they feel free to demean their sisters? Now, I understand she didn't write the ad copy, and that she's doing it for money, or free meals. And I will admit, I am very fond of money my own dignified self. But there's not enough money in the world for me to try to act like I'm twenty again when I'm obviously not, brainless (ditto) or to put down the capabilities of my fellow women. She should be ashamed. Yes, I know it's a small thing in the scheme of life. But it matters to me. I contend, in a John Donne-ish manner, that diminishing one of us diminishes us all. If you are a woman, or love one, it should matter to you too.

And as a quick PS...who on God's green earth thought that a good name for a drug would be Aciphex - pronounced, I kid you not, Ass Effects. Look for a rant on drug commercials in the near future.